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It is ugly and painful and I have to live with it. It has it's good days and it's bad ones. Covering it with makeup will inflame it for days but that's usually the best way to make it less noticeable. I try to do that as little as possible because inflammation sucks.

It's all over my legs and arms, I bleed pretty much every day and it's to the point where I won't swim or wear shorts. I try to wear long pants even at the gym because I see people looking at me in the mirror. I am constantly itchy and uncomfortable and I have been for years.

It's not catching or life threatening. It's just ugly and I will have it for the rest of my life!

I try not to let it hold me back from living the life I choose to live although it did make me stop being a Dominatrix. Clients just don't want to worship legs that are all scabby and scarred. I don't blame them. It forced me to "retire" from the Lifestyle. I try not to miss it very much.

I still do Burlesque and go go dance, I won't stop that because thanks to the wonderful folks at Danskin I can always cover my legs up. I can put makeup on the scars and cover them with lycra - most of the time it's barely noticeable. I can't do "merkins" and I can't perform without my tights BUT I can still give one hell of a sexy illusion and I'm grateful that I still have that outlet. I understand when photographers don't take as many pictures of me as they do the others. It's a pain to photoshop the scars that makeup didn't quite cover. I try not to let it bother me.

The doctors have options for me but it's all more than I can afford and the side effects are horrible. I can live with ugly skin but I can't live with a damaged liver and cancer!

What does bother me is when people notice it. I KNOW it's noticeable! It gets all over my face and even with careful exfoliation some days I just don't look good. I'd cover it with makeup but as I said earlier, it only makes it worse when it's inflamed. I just try to hold my head up and smile and hope that you'll be courteous enough not to say anything.

Today a "beauty salesman" at a "upscale" mall made me feel less than human when he told me "how sorry he was for my affliction" and pointed out my ugly skin patches. I have been crying all afternoon because I feel so ugly. Crying makes it worse too so now in addition to red patches and flaky skin I have red and swollen eyes as well.

In some ways it would be a blessing to be a different religion or something and required to wear a bag over my face all the time. I've only felt this humiliated a couple of times in my life. I guarantee that guy isn't thinking about me right now but I will always remember him. He made me feel ugly in order to convince me that I needed his fancy skin stuff to make me attractive again. I am ashamed to say I bought some because he was so insistent. I don't do confrontation well and I thought if I bought some he'd let me get away from him and I could return it later when he wasn't there but the receipt says no returns. It's expensive to be this spineless I guess. My self esteem is pretty much nonexistent right now any how I might as well beat myself up about spending money I don't have on things I don't need just because I was to embarrassed to walk away.

I won't ever go back to that part of the mall again. Every time I see that booth and that brand I will remember the humiliation of having him point out how horrible I looked today. I feel violated and raw and horribly exposed. I know I'm ugly, I have to look at myself in the mirror every day, I choose to try to ignore it and it would be a small matter of human kindness for you to do the same. -Mystrys


( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
Feb. 7th, 2015 02:56 am (UTC)
from someone that has stared.
The first time I saw this, I didn't know. You were wearing a brown bikini. All could think was, I wished I looked that good in a bikini. wish I had those lovely red raised marks on my skin. How did she get a perfect heart? How did she get the Big Dipper? I wonder how much it cost for this body mod...

Sometimes people that stare aren't thinking what you think they are. They might be envious. Especially if they are in an alternative lifestyle.

Feb. 7th, 2015 04:31 am (UTC)
You should also file a complaint! That behavior is unacceptable!
Feb. 7th, 2015 03:05 pm (UTC)
Fucking stupid salesman being a stupid wanker pushing his stupid product with asshole negger salesmanship. Fuck that dude. You are beautiful.
Feb. 8th, 2015 09:46 pm (UTC)
That sound really painful mentally and physically! So heres some LJ hugs *hugs*. Your a really tough woman! And to they guy selling cosmetics screw him! he's probably got issues too!
It's a fair call that you not doing those dangerous options. I wouldn't do it either. Chin up LJ loves you!
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )